20/20….

20/20….

Wish I knew then what I know now. If I had only bought that stock when the company went public, I should have studied harder in school, I should have worked harder to stay in shape. I should have taken a different life path, I should have changed careers when I was younger. I should have said no August 21, 2016. The old saying “Hindsight is 20/20” could easily follow any of these statements. Think for a moment what that statement means, hindsight, thinking about things after they have already happened and 20/20 being perfect vision. Of course it’s easy to know the perfect thing to do after something has already happened, after you know the outcome, but we cannot predict the future. If hindsight was possible in this world maybe, just maybe, you would be a little more financially secure as the stocks you bought begin to sky rocket, you could possibly be smarter than the average bear with the better study habits you began years ago. Your health may be better, allowing you to  live a few years longer. You could be looking at retirement after thirty long years in a career you loved dearly. You would look back and possibly say “I did it all, perfectly.”  If only this were the case. If only you could see the future through eyes that lived through all the mistakes, all the wrong answers, all the wrong life choices and all the wrong under and over expectations of  life. If only you knew where your life would take you, your career, your spouse, your children and the greatest ponderous of all, death. Death if we only knew the hour, the minute, the millisecond it would take us, but we don’t, we will never know the time when we will leave this worldly place. Now imagine yourself, standing beside your child’s coffin, and all you can hear in your head are all the hindsights that are haunting your every thought. If I had known then what I know now. If I had only known that August 28th, 2016 at 5:28 was going to be Lindsay last day, the day she would leave us, the day we would say good-bye forever. If I had known then what I know now, I would have said something that would have delayed, encumbered, stopped, caused a hesitation in Lindsay leaving the house that day. I could have stayed at the pool longer, we could have stayed home for dinner or I simply could have said NO. So many hindsights, so many what-ifs, so many I could-haves, and so many I should-haves. You see, to a parent that has lost a child “hindsight” is not 20/20, hindsight is as far from perfect as you can get. So many scenarios, so many situations and so many aspects of life hinder the 20/20 part of hindsight when you are standing there saying good bye for the last time, because you finally realize there is absolutely nothing you can do now to change what happened on that day, the day before, the month before or the 17 years before. So for this father that lost a child, hindsight is not 20/20, it is emotional torture.

Moving forward I have to remind myself to not look back at the all the hindsights, but look back and cherish all the memories. There is nothing in this world I can do today to change what happened yesterday. There is nothing I can do to fix the “what-ifs, the should-haves, the could-haves.” Sitting and dwelling on all the hindsights will take you places I would never wish on my worst enemy. It will drag you into a depression that you may never recover from. There is a fine line between hindsight and regret and I walk that line everyday. All I can do now is look to tomorrow, to the future and see all the good that has, and is yet to come, from this tragedy. I have to remind myself daily, not second guess myself on all the life lesson’s I tried to teach Lindsay, not knowing her life would be so short. I have to remind myself everyday I was the best dad I knew how to be, and believe deep down inside, even though she did not like all the lesson’s, she did love me for them.

So is hindsight truly 20/20?  Looking at it through my eyes I have to say, no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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