This morning as I stood on the beach, the last beach Lindsay and I ever walked on together, the same beach, that as a child, I spent so many fun filled summer weekends, hunting for shells, fishing and swimming with my family and pulling in nets with my granddad. A beach that has, and will, continue to have a special place in my heart. Standing there, in the pre-dawn grayness with the cold wind stinging my face, I watched the sun as it rose from what seemed to be the cold depth of the Atlantic. I stood there hoping for a sign and looking for answers to so many question that still fill my head and heart. This beach that holds so many wonderful childhood memories now holds loss, questions and the memories of a last walk. I watched the eastern sky as it went from dark to light and so many comparisons went through my mind, bad to good, despair to hope, fear to security, unanswered to answered, depression to happiness, and hopelessness to hope. Light brings hope and life to so many things here on this earth, as said by Dr. Stephen Hawkins, “However bad life may seem, where there is life, there is hope.”
This sunrise, a sunrise that shows its first light of hope and prosperity for the coming year. This sunrise that comes with so many unanswered questions shined its light on my heart. As I turned around to look at the endless waters of the ocean and the miles and miles of sandy beach I was the only person standing in the frigid ocean breeze. This was a feeling I know so well, cold and alone. This is how I feel when grief has me in its knurled grasp. The feeling that you are the only person in the world with a heart that will not heal from the painful cold loneliness. As I turned back towards the sunrise I could see the rays of the sun piercing through the flowing morning clouds, it felt like hope reaching directly into the depths of my soul. The reason being, I no longer felt alone, I felt Lindsay right where she was the last time we walked through the same sand that now hold the memories of time. I felt her right where she needed to be and where she will always be, in my heart.