Sometimes in the middle of a work day, with all the stress, the deadlines, the questions, the decisions, the responsibilities, handling an enormous array of personalities, equipment failures, lack of staff and computer glitches I have to stop and breathe. I have to take a step back before the weight of my job crushes me into submission. After years of dealing with all these issues on a daily basis I begin to get burnt out, I begin to wear down, I begin to question my life choices. I begin to wonder, “What is it that keeps me going back day after day.” What is it that keeps me waking up at 1:45 a.m. to face another day filled with landmines. What is it that keeps me walking up those steps, through that door and taking on the many challenges of the day, everyday. The only answer I can come up with is responsibly. I must admit, it is not the love of the job. I have a responsibility, number one, to my family and the company I work for. I have a wonderful, beautiful, very loving family, one I love very much and it is my responsibility to provide for them, keep a roof over there heads and food on the table. Also in today’s world, the all important medical coverage. I work for a company that is known world wide and has been good to me, especially when Lindsay passed away. I work for a company that at 2:30 in the morning I can formulate plan “A”, but by 5:30 the same morning I could be starting on plan “S”. Is this poor planning on my part, no. It is the constantly changing circumstances that create organized chaos that has to be handled in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes in the middle of the work day, with all the stress, pain, heartache, what if’s, emptiness, loneliness, sorrow and handling untold emotions I have to stop and catch my breath. I have to take a step back before the weight of grief crushes me into submission. After a year and ten months of dealing with these issues on an daily, sometimes, hourly basis I begin to shut down, I close off the world, I begin to question all the choices I have made as a father. I begin to wonder,”What keeps me going?” What keeps me from going insane everyday when I wake up at that ungodly hour and I think of Lindsay, I think of Jarrett, Kelli, Aylssa, Andrew and Michael. What keeps me waking up everyday, what keeps me breathing in and out, what keeps my broken heart from shattering. The only answer I can come up with is responsibility. A responsibility to be a good husband, a good father and step father and to continue to say my daughters name everyday, Lindsay. To continue her legacy through sharing her story, to help lead a foundation built on her name and to maintain the awareness of all the good that has come from such a horrible tragedy. I am a part of a family that loves me very much and has been my support system throughout the lost of my daughter, Lindsay. I live in a world that at 2:30 in the morning I am good, I am solid and I have every emotion under control, but by 5:30 the same day I could be a wreck, a pile of infinite emotions, not knowing how I am going to take my next breath. Is this poor planning on my part, no. It is the constantly changing circumstances that create organized chaos in my head and heart that can not be handled, in the blink of an eye.
The parallel lines that run between everyday life and a life with grief are so close, yet universes apart. Your job will be there tomorrow, but your child will not. All the stress and aggravation will be there next week, but your child will not. All the benefits and raises will be there next year, but your child will not. Come Friday you will have two days to regroup, recuperate and relax, but on Monday your child will still not be here. At some point, in the life of a grieving father, these parallel lines will cross and there will be a collision, there will be all the heartache, pain, stress and aggravation all rolled up into a single moment in time. At that time you can not be afraid or ashamed to let all those emotion’s out. Cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to scream, laugh if you need to laugh, but let it out. Take responsibility for your family, take responsibility for your life, take responsibility for the memory and legacy of your lost child, because at any time, just like your child, it could be gone, in the blink of an eye.